Blogging Amityville Horror

I am live blogging the original Amityville Horror. I thought it was time to see it. This post is filled with spoilers.

10:00 I hate scary movies. Why am I watching this?

10:10 The realtor looks exactly like this woman from my parents' church. Husband mentions it and I laugh.

10:15 Why does the evil house wait a month to get nasty? Doesn't it hate them immediately? Is it waiting for autumn?

10:20 What exactly is happening to the priest in the upper room when he tries to do his exorcism? Are they buzzing him to death? Sucking his breath away with their high-powered wings? Are they impregnating his lungs with thousands of larvae in some sort of evil twisted virgin fly birth?

10:25 Margot Kidder is doing partially-nude ballet in the bedroom. Do any women actually do this? Shout out if you do please because I'd like to know.

10:30 Husband posits that they had to pull on the black cat's tail to get it to yowl like that. This makes me think of 3rd world zoos, where you can usually slip a few extra bucks into the attendant's palm to get them to poke the lions with a sharp stick so they'll roar. "Look kids....lion!"

10:33 A nun with some flowers is seriously freaking out. Where are the flies, I ask you? She's driving away in a rusty gran torino look-alike and now, puking. Evil houses make people of the cloth sick. Got it.

10:40 Ooohhhh! Evil house can control cars remotely. It crashes with the priest. Ha! There's a fly on his windshield. It's those omnipotent flies again. Do they cause the trouble? Or do they only show up because of the imminent feedings?

10:40 There's a babysitter with full dental head gear! In broad daylight! In public! Hooray!

11:00 MIDPOINT: Jody is a spirit girl who can control flies toward malignant purposes. Through Jody, flies cause breathing trouble, puking, open festering wounds, and car brake malfunctions. Jody apparently doesn't like people in her house. But she also really likes killing them, since she waits to take any nefarious actions until well after the time when she might have easily kept people from her home. Jody can close doors, turn off lights, and do cheap disappearing magic tricks with grooms' pockets and money. I don't know where the money goes. She can also mess with phone lines, or perhaps aural cavities (not sure which). Jody befriends precocious cute little girls in order to eventually throw blame, presumably so that she can keep up her dirty deeds as long as possible. Finally, Jody incites adult male madness.

11:05 I'd like you all to know that James Brolin is wandering around at night in his tighty whiteys. This makes me very happy.

11:15 James Brolin (now fully-clothed) has chosen to steal a rare book from the library. Why in the world didn't he use his library card? And now Margot Kidder is praying for help, which God has answered in the form of her scrappy lumberjack neighbor........ Who has just disappeared......Hmmmmmm.

11:30 There's a secret room in the basement (which is "a secret passage to hell"). James has just seen his face with red Halloween plastic devil horns on his head. Oh.....the cross has turned itself upside down and is all oily. That mischievous Jody.

11:40 Jody, or perhaps her flies, are trashing the angels at the church while the priest prays frantically. Wait a minute, that clever monkey, she only made him think that it was being trashed - thus blinding him. (No that sentence doesn't make any sense but it's exactly how it happens). Literally he sees the angel falling and then he's blind - but the angel didn't really fall.

11:40 I want to know why Jody sounds like a scratchy old polish man when she yells at people to get out.

11:50 Why is the helper-priest so unhelpful? There's no reason to be surly. Wouldn't he want to help everybody out?

12:00 And now, all hell breaks loose. James Brolin with wild crazy eyes, stomps about the house with his sharpened ax. Jody, who kind of looks like a baby gorilla with red eyes, watches from the upstairs. Margot Kidder turns a hundred and two (kind of like what she looked like in superman). Windows burst, stairs bleed profusely. James Brolin gets the family out and then goes back for Harry. He is drawn to the basement which is seeping smoke. He falls through the floor (no, no Jody - naughty monkey) and into oil. He's rich! No, but almost dead, if it weren't for Harry the wonder dog, who looks menacing but really just wants to save him from the goo. They leave together with a now goo-free James Brolin.

The end